Post Adoption Ramblings...

We are almost one month in since our precious girls' were officially deemed "King's"!!   Gotcha Day, which was September 1, was exciting...and exhausting!  Unfortunately, my Pinterest search of "adoption day photos" resulted in me having such high expectations of beautiful, peaceful moments, which in turn, would create beautiful pictures from this wonderful, LONG awaited day.  Who in the WORLD was I kidding?!?  We have twin TWO year olds...hair bows and shoes were off before we even walked into the court room.  Not to mention that their usual 7:30 bedtime the night before turned in to 10:30 because children just KNOW...they know when something is going on.  So...our Gotcha Day photos looked a little something like this...

Real life, people.  Nose pickin', shoeless, hairbow-less children.  OUR children.  At the end of the day, that's all that mattered.  Not how they looked, not how many of the Judges' words I actually heard that day as I wrestled one of my babies...they were officially deemed OURS.  Forever.  Praise the Lord.

Some things have changed since adoption day, but many things have remained the same.  We couldn't have loved our girls' anymore after those papers were signed than we already did when we walked in to the courthouse that day.  They captured our hearts on day one.  I guess the biggest changes have come in the form of no longer depending on others (DFCS, etc) to make decisions on our girls' behalf, not having monthly or bi-monthly visits from our social workers, writing their NEW names (which I LOVE).  While I really do miss our visits with our sweet social workers/family consultants, I have to admit that it's nice to just have the freedom of being...parents.  Legal parents. Parents that can allow themselves to finally jump off the emotional roller coaster of foster care after twenty-one LONG months.  Will we foster again?  Yes, we intend to.  Our foster care agency (FaithBridge Foster Care) places adoptive families on hold for six month after an adoption is finalized to give that family time to bond as a new family.  I certainly welcome these next several months.  Even though we got the girls' as babies and have already had a chance to form strong bonds with them, it will be nice to give them our undivided, unhindered attention before welcoming more children into our home.

Two things we are still asked often...1. How do you do it?  I just couldn't handle the emotional aspect of fostering.  2.  So...You can't have children?

How do we do it??  And WHY on earth would we choose to jump back on that emotional roller coaster after we've just witnessed how gut wrenching it can really be?  Looking back, I can honestly say that Aaron and I really had no clue before we got the girls' how hard fostering them would truly be.  I cried more tears, felt more panic and lost more sleep over situations that I had absolutely no control over.   Some days were really, really hard.  Would we get to adopt the girls'?  Would they have to go back?  If they have to go back, what will happen to them?  If they have to go back, what will happen to ME?   I allowed Satan, on so many occasions, to work WAY overtime in my thought life.  And I 100% believe that he (Satan) is the reason that so many people are afraid to jump on the foster care/adoption bandwagon.  He doesn't want these children taken care of.  He loves to see them without homes, without Mama's and Daddy's, broken, left to die, essentially.  And no...that's not being dramatic...that's reality for these children.  We allow Satan those footholds that strike fear in our hearts and those footholds that tell us that we have way better things to do than to allow our homes to become maybe a little uncomfortable for us for the sake of providing comfort for someone else.  He wants us to be afraid...and he wants us to be selfish.  That's who Satan is and what he's best at.  So, I don't think it's a matter of NOT being able to handle the emotions (though that part is REALLY hard).  I think it's a matter of figuring out the source of your fear and asking the Lord to pour His courage into every fiber of your being in order to walk in obedience.

And yes...I totally get that not everyone can or SHOULD become foster or adoptive families.  But there are other ways you can help out...and pretty soon, I hope to share with you a really neat and tangible way that you and your family can help without having children in your home if that isn't an option for you.  More to come on that!

So, how do we do it?  We trust Jesus.  He is King over the flood, so surely, He is big enough to take care of our hearts, especially when we walk in obedience to the things He calls us to.  I am so thankful that we didn't allow the temptation of fear and of selfishness to steal the blessing of our baby girls'.

Soooo...you can't have children?!?   People mean well when they ask this...they really do. Adoption just isn't the traditional way to go about adding to a family.  And again, fostering/adopting was something that Aaron and I discussed as an option for our family before we even got married.  But no...to answer this question.  So far, the Lord has allowed my womb to remain barren.  And I know that every woman is different, but adding to our family through adoption has not made the desire that I have to conceive a child any less.  Please don't get me wrong....I could not love my girls' anymore than if I had given birth to them myself.   This world does not satisfy...my husband will never be able to fully satisfy me...my daughters will never be able to fully satisfy me...even if I one day give birth to a child...that would still never fully satisfy me.  It has taken me quite a while to grasp this, and I know that I never fully will, but only by allowing God's Word and His Truth to penetrate my heart can I ever be truly satisfied.  Only in Him.  I will share one quick thing that I heard from a Matt Chandler podcast recently that has really shaped the way I look at my lack of being able to conceive.  He said something along the lines of "the blessing of the Old Testament was to make babies, but the blessing of the New Testament is to make disciples".   Having children is such an incredible blessing. And in the Old Testament, that was God's command..."Go, be fruitful and multiply!".  But in the New Testament, His command is different, "Go, make disciples.".   Ahh..what an eye opener for me! My earthly body may not have the ability to make babies, but it totally has the ability to make disciples.  I have been given the gift of two incredible daughters to help make into disciples of Christ.  It doesn't matter what season of life you are in or if you can make babies or not...you CAN make disciples and that is where the blessing is.  So, go....

Not Our Plan B

Happy May!  A month that has become near and dear to my heart....National Foster Care month.  A month that brings awareness to the critical condition of the state that our foster care system is in, a month that hopefully sheds more light in a really dark place for not only children waiting to be placed with a family, but also for families to be enlightened of their calling to bring these children into their homes.  It's scary.  It's scary to imagine the messy situations that these children may come from, it's scary to bring those messy situations into your home, it's scary to think of falling deeply in love with a child that may not stay with you forever, it's scary to expose your biological children to the reality of an insanely broken world.  But how much more scary to me are the thoughts of NOT taking action. I can be selfish in my own little world for the rest of my life, but at the end of my life, I can't even imagine the thoughts that would haunt me knowing that there was a child out there that could have been loved on and cared for and been given Hope....through me!  I can give Satan the pleasure of giving in to all those footholds of fear, or I can choose to trust the Lord to drive out those spirits of fear.

This is not a plug to guilt or persuade anyone to jump on the foster care band wagon, although the need for more families is incredible.  Knowing from experience, on the Holy Spirit can ready hearts for such an undertaking.  These are simply thoughts on what I've been learning over the last couple of years.  My heart is broken for these children...for these families.  I have prayed for the Lord to make me passionate about things in life that He is passionate about.  His Word absolutely makes it clear to me that He is passionate about these children...a Defender for the weak.

I know that many think it strange that fostering/adopting was never our plan B.  Sure, we began the process of trying to have a child the traditional way before we started the foster care process.  But early on in our marriage, Aaron and I always knew that fostering/adopting was something we intended on pursuing, regardless of our ability or inability to conceive a child.  That doesn't mean that adoption as a plan B is a bad or wrong thing, we had just never thought of it that way.  We know that ANY child the Lord allows to become part of our family has been His plan since the beginning of time.  He doesn't have a plan B...and we are so thankful for that!

Our Littles' are not feeling so little anymore.  They are growing by leaps and bounds and seem to become more fun for Aaron and me by the day.  Repeating everything we say (yikes!), becoming so adventurous, imaginations getting bigger and bigger, eating us out of house and home.   We NEED to start potty training but I'm selfishly so reluctant because I feel like too many "big" things are happening at once, growing them up before I want them to!  I know.  I know.  They can't wear diapers forever.  Speaking of potty training...I'd appreciate all the prayers I can get.   I know people potty train multiple children every day.  I'm sure I will deem said people heroes in the near future.  :)

I can't leave this post without providing you with one of the best, God-given resources of our lives.  If you are considering learning more about becoming a foster family, I would be honored for you to check out our incredible agency.  Here is where you can learn more:  http://www.faithbridgefostercare.org/

Mr. Sun

Well, obviously life has been a little busy lately, note the lack of blog posts.  I really WANT to be more consistent in my blogging/journaling because I know that one day, when I'm really old and my mind doesn't serve me very well, that I will want words to help me remember these days that are fleeting by so quickly.  So many memories have been made over this past year with our Little Loves...mostly incredibly sweet memories that range from learning how to roll over to how to use a fork, and everything in between.  I blinked and now we have almost two year olds that, in my mind, will be starting college any day now.

Some of our girls' favorite words at this time are: "mama, dada, nana, papa, mimi, pop, balls (grapes), purple, sissy, cool, wassat (what's that), cake cake (pancake), banana, berries, play, B (Bauer), outside, car, please, geor, geor (georiga), ciate (appreciate)", etc.  They still like to sign a good bit too, even though they can now say most of the words that they know how to sign.  They know that the sky is UP and that the ground is DOWN, they can say and recognize the letter "A" and sometimes "B", and know that "C" comes after "B".  They will "count" with me to ten, on a good day.  Little sponges, I tell you.  Soaking up so much and blowing my mind every day.  Llama Llama Red Pajama is their most favorite book.  If you want, I can tell tell it to you by heart.  Their favorite part is when Mama Llama gets in a "tizzy"!  :)  Their Daddy is still their most favorite person ever.  I tell you what...that man...he's one heck of a good daddy.  I could brag on him for years.  I still sing "Mr. Sun" to them as Aaron and I get them out of bed every morning.  I've made up my mind that I intend to carry on this tradition for as long as they are living under my roof...so they could potentially hear it at LEAST 6, 205 more times.  :)  "Oh Mr. Sun, Sun, Mr. Golden Sun, please shine down on me.  Oh Mr. Sun, Sun, Mr. Golden Sun, hiding behind that tree.  All my friends are asking you, to please come out so we can play with you.  Oh Mr. Sun, Sun, Mr. Golden Sun, please.shine.down.on.me!!!"

Everyday is not always roses...in fact, some days are mostly chocolate and coffee as I attempt to survive the moments of teething, learning how to share, patiently incorporating obedience into everyday life, and simply learning to ultimately trust Jesus with our girls' day by day.  Mama's in general worry...too much.  Am I teaching them the right things at the right time?  Should they be down to one nap a day instead of two? Are they eating enough?  Why did she just sneeze?  Our minds truly never rest, but I'm learning that there is a huge difference between caring for and raising my children to the best of my ability and then leaving the rest to the Lord, without worry.   It's tough...a daily surrender, for sure.   Whether our day are rose filled or not, I love being a Mama to these girls'.

A few questions asked by various people as of late: 
"Where are you in the legal process with the girls?"
- The girls' are still under foster care status.  However, the Lord continues to find favor on our desire to be these girls' forever family.  Hopefully you will be hearing more on that in the months ahead!

"Are you done?" 
- Meaning, after things settle with the girls', will we be done fostering/adopting?  I sure hope not!  The Lord has truly burdened both my heart and Aaron's in the way of orphan care.  We will have some time to pray about and think through what that may look like for us in the months and years to come, but I pray that we will never "be done".   I do have a van now, ya know!  :)

"Do you think you will have your own?"  
-These girls' are our own.  I know that's not understandable by all, and I get that.  Really, I do.  If we weren't traveling down this road, I don't know that I would get it, honestly.  To rephrase this question, "Do I think we will have our own biological children?"...I don't know.  I DO know that the Lord has given me a great peace about it either way.  His Sovereignty far exceeds any medical condition I may have that makes it incredibly difficult to conceive a child.   At this point in our journey, Aaron and I have not felt any sort of urgency to seek out extensive medical treatment that may or may not improve our chances of biological children.  That's not to say that we won't ever travel that road, but for now, the Lord has calmed and contented our hearts in that matter and we trust that He will continue to guide us.

I will leave you with a few pictures of some of our latest happenings.  Aaron and I created a play room for the girls' for Christmas this year.  I think I had just as much fun putting it together as they are having playing in it!